Things About Me Part 1

I have been doing some introspection lately. I was praying through some of the lies that I believe about myself, and in doing so, stumbled upon a whole mess crap of things that I would venture to guess that other people didn't know about me. I have spent much of the past year in my own little bubble since graduating from college. While I like to blame my introvertedness on not being social very often, I love being around people. I have lost sight of this more than anything. So, here are some tidbits about me that you may or may not know. Enjoy, and bear with me. There are more interesting things to come.

-I hate generalities
-I hate Mondays
-More often that I like I let what I think my weaknesses are determine my mood and persona for the day or task at hand
-I hate mornings
-I REALLY hate Monday mornings
-My parents still call me punkin from time to time
-I think that I have the best boyfriend in the world
-I don’t think very highly of myself
-My favorite Biblical author is Paul
-I don’t like speaking in front of people
-Pluots are quickly topping the charts as my favorite fruit
-My parents were going for a name that wasn’t very popular when they named me
-I don’t ever want to live so extravagantly that I would have a need to hire a maid
-My mind doesn’t ever really shut down
-I like to recycle and urge others to do so as well
-9-11 is a very important day to me, but not because of the WTC
-My dream ‘job’ is to be a house wife and stay at home mom
-I think about my wedding day all the time, more often than I should and even realize
-My favorite Bible passages make me want to cry every time I read it
-The day my grandpa died was the first time I ever saw my dad cry
-I will never forget my grandpa Raymond
-I am bitter about my car accident and the vehicle rut that it has left me in
-Laundry is my favorite chore
-I have recently rediscovered my love for reading
-I wish I could lose weight
-My least favorite thing about me is my smile
-I think that everyone should visit another culture to really appreciate the way we live here
-I hate sleeping in a controlled silence
-Harry Potter is NOT my favorite series
-The prospect of the unknown for this next season of my life scares me more than I ever thought possible
-I love playing in the rain and wish I could do it more often
-I do not like being the center of attention
-My favorite color is pink, and I love the Little Mermaid; so sue me
-I prefer mountains and cold to anything else in the world
-I would like to see as much of the world as possible and marvel at all the God has created
-I visit the Eiffel Tower on Google earth almost every night before I go to bed

The Motions

For those of you that know me best, I have an obsession with songs that speak to me. I feel that God can teach you something in just about anything, especially music and song. Throughout my life, there have been a few choice songs that have better expressed my mood or emotion or lack thereof better than I could ever imagine. I love knowing that someone out there struggles like I do, even if the song was written just to make money.

Lately, I have been listening to Matthew West’s The Motions like it is going out of style. For a lot of reasons this song speaks to me. Much like my favorite song, my Desire by Jeremy Camp, it tells how my heart feels. I don't want to go through the motions of the Christian life. While I feel I lack boldness and the right words to say more often than not, God is good in granting me the experiences to be able to work through my own inadequacies and proves time and time again that He is God. Only God can help me fight through the nothingness of this life.

Here are the lyrics for those of you that have never heard it.


This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

The Ultimate Proposal

Hey Guys,

So my friend Doug went on another summer project this time to Wildwood, NJ and a friend of his on project wrote this. It's so astounding to say the least. Please share it with everyone you know.


THE PROPOSAL:

A cross, a tree, he was beaten, broken. How is it that a man would be able to propose to us in this way? Most of the time we see the man get down on one knee, and "pop" the question. They plan this beautiful ceremony so the girl is sure to remember it for forever. Then when and if she says yes, she calls all her girlfriends and tells them about the most amazing man ever, and how much he means to her. What about God? More importantly, Jesus. Physically, He could not get down on one knee, but He was still able to propose to us. We know that each swing of the whip was just another diamond in the ring. He loves us so much that in the midst of proposing He died for us. The cross is the proposal. He gives us all the chance to answer the question. We can say yes or no. It is one or the other. We have accepted the proposal of a great man. He was not presentable by world standards at te time, but in our eyes He was more beautiful to us than ever before. With open arms He proposed His love for us and made it public. Arms open wide, He popped the question, "Will you marry me?"

THE ENGAGEMENT:

So, you said Yes! Great! As things go on we grow to love Jesus more. We are living in the engagement. Day by day the wedding gets closer. There is still a lot of planning to be done. Have you sent out the invitation yet? How many people are coming? Well, truthfully that is up to you. Everyone is welcome to come to the wedding, but they won't be there until you invite them. Do you see the connection here? We must invite people to the wedding. They too can say yes or no to the proposal by Jesus. There are weddings here on earth that have hundreds in attendance. How crzy is it to think that there will be billions of people at your wedding? As we wait for our wedding day, we live in the engagement. We love Him more everyday and we get to know Him on a more personal level daily. The engagement process may be long, but it will be well worth the wait as we allow Jesus to plan the wedding. How many people are coming to your wedding? Send out those invitations, this is going to be the wedding of the century.

THE WEDDING:

Today's the big day. You've been waiting for this day for years. You are finally at the ceremony. What a beautiful sight. Golden trumpets play loudly and a multitude of guests are taking their seats to watch the wedding take place. Pillars of silver and gold line the aisle as cherabiun play harps in perfect harmony. You are the bride, this is your day. Everything is in place, the doors open and in the distance you see Him, smiling at His bride. The music begins with a loud crash that shakes the very Heavens. This is everthing you hoped for and more. The closer you get to Him the bigger your smile becomes. Finally, you make it to the base of the altar and you notice that your husband, Jesus, is crying in the midst of how beautiful you look today. As He reaches out His hands you see the holes where the nails were, marking his body with His love for you. Remembering the proposal you fall to your knees and you realize that this is real. You are the bride of the King of the Universe. Ever since He proposed and as long as the engagement lasted you have finally made it to the wedding. "I do" you say and make it official, what's next?

THE HONEYMOON:

You thought Hawaii was paradise? It was anything but. No, now you are truly in paradise. Your honeymoon cost a fortune, but it was paid for by the blood of the Lamb. This paradise is more beautiful than anything you have ever seen before in your lifetime. Every tree, rock, plant, waterfall, and creature boasts perfect beauty and glory to God. The good thing about this honeymoon is that you don't have to go home. There is no end, eternal happiness is yours. Your husband loves you and the honeymoon is sweet. You will have perfect intimacy, with a perfect God, who perfectly loves you. As you dwell eternally in paradise you see Jesus as more and more beautiful. Nothing comes close to this. Everything that God has is now yours to share. Tears fill your eyes as you step back and take it all in. How ironic, you cried during the proposal, during the engagement you went through so much together, when you walked down the aisle you cried at His beauty, and now you are crying because of all the honeymoon has to offer. It is yours for eternity. Tears of sadness, NO! Tears of joy and reassurance that the marriage process is done, and you eternally get to reap the benefits of the most loving relationship you have ever had. Nothing, nothing, nothing, can compare to this. God Bless the newlyweds!

Written July 9, 2009 by Zach Brubaker

Here's to you, Brazil!!

Every time I hear 'God of This City" by Chris Tomlin, I can't help but think of the best summer of my life. I dedicate these lyrics to the students in Brazil and beyond, because He really is the God of the nations. Greater things are yet to be done. All praises be to you, Lord!!

You're the God of this city
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You Are

For there is no one like our God
There is no one like our God

Greater things have yet to come
Great things are still to be done
In this city
Greater things are still to come
And greater things are still to be done here

You're the Lord of Creation
The Creator of all things
You're the King above all Kings
You Are

You're the strength in our weakness
You're the love to the broken
You're the joy in the sadness
You Are

Greater things have yet to come
Great things are still to be done
In this city
Where glory shines from hearts alive
With praise for you and love for you
In this city

Greater things have yet to come
Great things are still to be done
In this city
Greater things are still to come
And greater things are still to be done here

Spurgeon for the day

You Make the Trenches

And he said, Thus saith the Lord, Make this valley full of ditches. For thus saith the Lord, Ye shall not see wind, neither shall ye see rain; yet that valley shall be filled with water, that ye may drink both ye, and your cattle, and your beasts. (2 Kings 3:16-17)

Three armies were perishing of thirst, and the Lord interposed. Although He sent neither cloud nor rain, yet He supplied an abundance of water. He is not dependent upon ordinary methods but can surprise His people with novelties of wisdom and power. Thus are we made to see more of God than ordinary processes could have revealed. Although the Lord may not
appear for us in the way we expect, or desire, or suppose, yet He will in some way or other provide for us. It is a great blessing for us to be raised above looking to
secondary causes so that we may gaze into the face of the great First Cause.

Have we this day grace enough to make trenches into which the divine blessing may flow? Alas! We too often fail in the exhibition of true and practical faith. Let us this day be on the outlook for answers to prayer. As the child who went to a meeting to pray for rain took an umbrella with her, so let us truly and practically expect the Lord to bless us. Let us make the valley full of ditches and expect to see them all filled.

Tea Stained Tear

This is something that I wrote. Let me know what you think.


That first look you gave made my heart skip a beat
Then we held hands and I couldn't breathe
That time that I nearly lost my mind
when we kissed in the rain and lost track of time

You were always right there when I needed you most
even when I was weary from you and your dumb ego
No matter how hard I tried you were always on my mind
You said you would never let me go

I opened that corner of my heart for a short while
I let you in, despite what my mind kept telling me
For once in my life I wanted to be that girl
that could jump in and just be, oh to just be

now all i have left are tea stained tears that will not leave me alone

there was a time that i wanted to be everything for you
to just want you to want me and never look back
now all i want is for you and your memory to go
far away to a part of me that i can never unpack

to just be in your presence is more than I can stand
to hear you laugh, to hear you breathe
to just be in your presence is more than I could stand
even your walk is a perfect image in my memory

now I can't let you go
no, I can't let you go
no matter how hard I try
you're still a tea stained tear

Recent Facebook status explained

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on.

Honestly, I'm not that strong.

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you

I'm not alright... that's why I need you.

I'm not alright, I'm broken inside...

I am going to preface this with the fact that this is a ramble. However scattered it may be, these are my thoughts and response to my facebook status.

I have come to realize my lack of dependence on the Holy Spirit. I have not been seeking God on anything. I haven't journaled since I have been home, and I haven't been praying like I should. I am making less money now, so tithing has been out of the picture. I have been trying to control everything because it feels like it is all spinning out of control. I have been really caught up in my own little world of trying to find a job and pleasing my parents while trying to make friends at home and staying used to being single.

The status reads worse than it really is. Well, maybe. It is a line from a Sanctus Real song that I heard at Life Light this weekend.

Other than feeling like life is going nowhere, things are good. I met some really cool people, along with some not so great. I do have a job, no matter how much i would like to be gone. I have a roof over my head, which is more than half of the world.

Really, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I don't want to be in the States anymore. I would like to go to the world. Bring me Africa, more Brazil or even 'China.' As Shane and Shane sing:

You said, "ask, and I'll give the nations to you."
Oh Lord, that's the cry of my heart.
Distant shores and the islands will seek your light
As is rises on us...

Please, Lord, give me the nations. I want to Go. As Isaiah shouted, "Here am I! Send me!"

Inability to sleep at its finest...

I sometimes enjoy these question survey things because of how much time they actually take to do. I am hoping that this will aid in my getting to sleep tonight. We shall see.

1. Last movie that you saw in a theatre: The Dark Knight. If you haven't seen it, shame on you.

2. What book are you reading? I am in the middle of The Picture of Dorian Gray and will be starting Twilight by Stephanie Meyer soon.

3. Favorite board game: Settler's of Catan, hands down.

4. Favorite magazine: I am ashamed to say Cosmo.

5. Favorite smells: fresh laundry, the black midnight candle from Yankee, Moonlight Path from Bath and Body Works, the twinge in the air when winter and snow is on its way

6. Favorite foods: chicken, beans, and rice. Anything. Food and I get along really well.

7. Favorite sound: string quartets

8. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up? "Ugh, I hate you, morning!"

9. Worst feeling in the world: Rejection. I seem to be getting a lot of it lately.

10. Favorite fast food place: the "frango bomb" place in Sao Paulo. it isn't really fast, but it was the best chicken I have ever had in my life.

11. Future child's name: Parker Grant/Graham for a boy, and Lillian Alethia Grace for a girl.

12. Finish this statement: "If i had a lot of money I would..." pay off school loans and go back to Brazil.

13. Do you drive fast? As much as I try not to.

14. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Sometimes. I have this one seal that I got in the 4th grade when I got bronchitis really bad, and she made me feel better. So, I can't help but want to have a warm fuzzy feeling when I am trying to sleep. :)

15. Storms- yay or nay? YAY!! I love storms. I get so caught up in the power that they create, all at the hand of God? so cool.

16. What was your first car? A 1988 Chrysler 5th Avenue. It was the boatiest and most comfortable car to drive.

17. Favorite drink: Anything not diet.

18. Finish this statement: "If I had the time, I would..." hang out with my friends from STL.

19. If you could dye your hair any color, what color would it be? I would do a dark underneath color, and a blondish color on top. Sounds kindof Avril Lavigne, but I have always liked it.

20. Do you eat the stems on broccoli? Sometimes.

21. Glass half empty or full? Half full.

22. Name all the different cities/towns you have lived in: Granite City, Chesterfield, St. Louis, Sao Paulo.

23. Favorite sports to watch: Baseball, or the olympics.

24. what is under your bed? All the crap that doesn't have a place anywhere else. It is kindof my junk closet.

25. Toilet paper/paper towel- over or under? Over.

26. Morning person, or night owl? Check the time on this one... Night owl all the way.

27. Over easy or sunny side up? Scrambled with cheese, please...

28. Favorite place to relax: My bed.

29. Favorite pie: my grandma's peach cobbler.

30. Favorite cake: Yes.

31. Favorite flower: Red Poinsettias and red Roses.

32. Least favorite flower: None. I enjoy them all.

Until I see you again...

Today marks the last full day that I will spend in Brazil. I must admit that this is a very sad thing to realize. I do NOT want to leave. It is much like church camp when you are in school, and don't want to leave your new found friends and go home to where they are not. Well, that, times about a million. Not only have I made some unforgettable friends here, but I have grown to know myself in ways like nothing else has ever challenged me to.

There are two things in particular that I will share here at this point. I will need some time to process and gather full coherent thoughts on the rest.

1. I have learned that I need the gospel on a daily basis. My discipler, Londa, had me sit down and make a list of things that are true about me in light of this. On this list were things such as:

-I am a daughter called according to the purpose of God.
-I have already been redeemed, and because of this, I do not have to live in guilt of the things that I am ashamed of. Jesus died on the cross once for ALL of my sins. Why should I inflict my own punishment on myself?
-I am a work in progress. I will not be perfected until He calls me home; no sooner, no later.
-I love to journal and share my thoughts.
-Even though I may not always be good with the words that I am using, I am still authentically communicating.
-I am loved by the Creator of the universe.
-I serve the same God that David and Abraham and Paul and Peter served. I am serving the same God that my kids, hopefully, serve as well.

Thank you Londa for pushing me to look outside of myself and seeing the beauty that God has blessed me with!

2. We spent pretty much the entire summer praying for our hearts to be broken for the lost, to see them as God sees them, to view them in light of their eternity. Well, I didn't fully understand what this meant until we had only 1.5 days left on campus.

Brad and I went sharing in the Eletrica building on POLI. We met this guy at the cafe upstairs. WE are going to say that his name is Luis. He was a relativist, and made it very clear that he knew there was a truth out there about God, but didn't know what that truth was. He claimed that if there was just one God, that God would seek him out and reveal himself to him, and that he should just wait for it. I thought to myself, "we came to you, didn't we? We have a gospel to share with you, don't we?" We went through 3 of the 4 laws, and he just could not accept that what we were saying was true. It was OUR truth, and thus only good enough for us. Eventually, he had to go study since it was finals week. Brad and I went to pray for him and to calm ourselves down because we were way worked up about it. When we got done praying, I just broke down. I cried so hard. I literally hurt inside for him. I wondered how he would ever hear again. I wondered how he would find the truth, if he would actually read the 4SL book that we gave him and take the scripture inside it to be authoritative and the ultimate truth.

This has spawned on several things for me. This confirms that I want to do mission work for a while. I am not sure where yet. I may come back to STINT in Brazil in 2009. Or, I could end up in Africa. I don't know, but God does. Please pray for me as I am seeking to find what God would have me do with my new found desires.

Coming to a close, I want to thank all of my team for being so stinkin' awesome. I was so afraid about coming on project by myself, and they made it easy to come out of my shell, even when I didn't feel I had anything of value to interject. Thank you for loving me as Christ does!! I love you all and will miss you terribly!

To those of you in the Lou, I will see you in less than 3 days!!